Love and Logic Book Review and Parenting Tips

Book Review

Title: Parenting with Love and Logic

Authors: Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay

ISBN: 1576839540

Introduction - My Personal History with the Love and Logic Book

I first read the Love and Logic book in the early 2000’s.  I was a young (early 20’s) teacher and mother.  I was inexperienced and scarred by my own traumatic childhood.  I over-compensated for my past by being an overly permissive people pleaser.  Fast forward 25 years:  I am the mother of four children 22, 18, 14, and 10.  After staying home for 12 years to homeschool, I entered the work force to work with high school students with disabilities while simultaneously earned a degree in counseling.  I have learned more in the last 5 years as a counselor than I probably learned over the other 20.  I owe much of it to the increase in resources and communication about mental health.

When I first read Love and Logic, I was a little appalled by some of the ideology.  I was also appalled by the little stewardess in the airplane telling me to pull my own oxygen first in case of emergency.  I had learned an unhealthy strategy of always putting others before myself.  Not bad, given my Christian ideology of service and giving.  However, I have since learned the truth that I can not save anyone if I am not fully functioning myself.  It has been an extremely helpful revelation, which has saved me from complete and utter exhaustion and frequent meltdowns/blowups.  I am a much better mom now that I attend to my own health - body, mind and spirit - and I was better able to receive the important concepts of the book this time around.  So, let’s dive in.

Summary and Highlights of Love and Logic Parenting Approach

The most important concept I find in the Love and Logic text is that “effective parenting centers around LOVE.”  In my varied experience working with children and teens, I have witnessed a multitude of parenting styles.  Cline and Fay offer their own variations, but there are a basic three identified/theorized by Diana Baumrind in the 60’s: authoritarian (too hard and controlling), permissive (too easy on them - to their own demise) and authoritative (Goldilocks’ just right).  In summary, the healthiest parent approach is to communicate respectfully, discipline logically (not while angry; also not making constant excuses for bad behavior) and base everything out of love (no belittling spite; no rescue/excuse mode).

Healthy parenting allows children room for learning and growth.  As Cline and Fay state, “Making choices is like any other activity: it has to be learned (p.23).”  We call this “growth mindset” in the counseling field, and we work hard to avoid ridiculing or panicking over every mistake children make.  All learning involves a process of development and improvement.  We are never as good as something the first time we do it as we are after we have spent time practicing out a new skill.  Learning involves making (and correcting) mistakes, and improving over time.  Parents who apply the growth mindset concept to themselves will have an easier time applying it in their parenting!

One additional key point regarding mistakes is this - we can’t shelter our kids from natural consequences of their mistakes.  If they don’t learn to correct the little mistakes at a young age, they will miss out on important lessons that prepare them to prevent or solve their problems as adults.  It is important to walk beside our children as they go through difficult things, so they can learn HOW to navigate difficult things.  This requires parents to be honest with themselves about their own child’s imperfections, and it requires parents to back off from a potentially difficult urge to “save” their children from themselves.  Some parents (blindly) would rather blame anyone and everyone else for their child’s mistakes.  This comes at the detrimental cost of their own child’s future success.  In Cline’s and Fay’s words, “Parents who try to ensure their children’s successes often raise unsuccessful kids.” (p. 29).

When helping someone, the best strategy is to put aside judgment, wait until edgy emotions are regulated, and comment/advise based on genuine love and care. It is also important to respond instead of react.  This may mean you need to “put a pin” in the conversation to give yourself time to process negative emotions and re-regulate your nervous system (i.e. calm yourself down).  Learning to stay calm involves dealing with your own anxieties and emotions.  

Avoid these negative pitfalls when disciplining:

• Do NOT make empty threats or things you can’t follow through with.

• Don’t let the child’s problems become yours.  Let them own their problems, while you support them with empathy.  E.g. “That’s a bummer!  What do you think you should do about it?”

• Avoid feeling sorry for your kids.  Put aside any guilt or sympathy you carry over the child…divorce, death of parent, past trauma, adoption etc.  Kids are resilient.  It is important to empathize with the child, but a child will, eventually, begin to take advantage of any overarching sympathy you have from a past event.  Empathize, but don’t let your sympathy affect your discipline.

• Constant criticism/pointing out child’s weaknesses degrades their self worth.  Instead, build them up with encouragement - real compliments on growth and improvement - and set reasonable expectations.  Meet them where they are and then push a little bit beyond.  You don’t get up a staircase without taking it one small step at a time.  You can’t expect a newborn baby to immediately start walking.  Every new learning involves a tiny-step process approach.  This means we may need to SLOW DOWN and wait.  Make time for gentle correction and modeling when the child is young.  And let them participate in the things you do: chores around the house, hobbies, shopping, managing money.  All people learn best by watching how others do things.  (Nerdy fact: Even famed artist Vincent Van Gogh started out by copying other artist’s work!)

• Avoid sarcasm, altogether.  It is a tricky area that can be easily misused or misunderstood. 

• Don’t lecture.  30 minute orations about their errors will wear down their esteem and patience.  Usually, by this point, the child is well-aware of their mistake.  Focus on what they need to do to correct it, and be brief.

• Avoid “joking around” while disciplining. This sends the child a mixed message.  Use a clear transition to let them know you are done.  E.g. “Ok.  Well, I hope you’ve learned a lesson through all of this.  Let me know if you need to talk more.  Would you like to play a game now, to shift to a more pleasant topic?”

Remember: Be Genuine.  Be Warm.  Be Loving.  Be Empathetic.  …and keep firm boundaries.  

Warning!  You may not have learned these parenting skills.  I wish every parent had access to psychology and human development courses…or at least a good role model for parenting.  That’s just not always the case.  The good news is that’s part of what counselors are here to help you with - teaching the concepts we have spent years studying to learn.  If you are having trouble implementing the authoritarian parenting approach…ask a professional experienced in working with kids and parents for help! 

As, Cline and Fay emphasize, children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem.  By teaching and modeling with an authoritative parenting approach, your children will learn healthy concepts, like:  "I am capable.  I can make decisions.  I can learn and grow.  I can overcome challenges and frustrations."   Isn’t that healthy, functioning, esteem ultimately what we all want for our children?

Kristen O’Hara, LPC

I hope this information has been helpful.  Feel free to continue the conversation or reach out for more information: kristenoharacounseling@gmail.com